You Want This Dog!

Do you hate to sleep and love the sound of barking? Yes? I have a deal for you.  For the bargain price of free you can take home a 5 1/2 year old Miniature Schnauzer with unproven but obvious traces of Poodle (aka Schnoodle). Throw out your heating pad, this dog will sleep on top of you all night. Stop worrying about how to spend all that money in your bank account. This furry little friend requires expensive grain-free kibble and costly enzyme powder not once, but twice a day. Still have some cash left? Great! You can spend it on vet fees and grooming. Do you hate sitting still? Looking to cure your RLS? Perfect! You can walk this naughty thing 3 times a day while she takes her sweet time taking a poo; one that may or may not be solid, which may or may not cause you to worry about her disease acting up, which may or may not require a trip to the vet. Do you hate your neighbors? Looking for a way to annoy and alienate them? The answer couldn't be clearer. This dog will solve all your problems. Call or email today. This offer is only available for a limited time.

Just Wondering What You Think

I read this article just a minute ago. My instant reaction was to say, uh huh, yeah, sure, riiiight. I'm sure you're free of your gay impulses. Congratulations. Side note: I read a suggestion somewhere that there should be a special font for sarcasm. I completely agree. Anyway, I do not personally think that Ted Haggard is cured of his gay urges. Whether or not he chooses to use his theraputic experience in order to avoid acting on said urges is a different matter entirely. I'm not here to judge. That's not what this post is about.
What this article got me thinking is what exactly did you mean when you said your vows at the altar? For Mrs. Haggard her vows meant that she would stick by her husband despite a meth addiction and tryst with a male prostitute. Is that what we all vowed? Does, "till death do us part" include homosexual promiscuity, drug use, infidelity or dishonesty? Do you think each person's "I do" is a different set of "I won'ts?" Where would you draw the line? Do you think the same is true of your spouse? Did you ever talk to your spouse about this before you married him or her? I'm curious what you guys think of this. Discuss.

So, Like, You Know

Dan and I were watching The Real Housewives of Orange County this weekend and there was a scene where Lynne's daughters "talked" to each other. Nothing was actually said. It was just a jumble of cringe inducing sos, likes and you knows softly spoken with inflection at the end of each word as if a question was being asked. So? Like? You know? I told Dan if we have a daughter and she talks like that we're sending her to speech therapy. He agreed and added that he would use a shock collar in case the therapy didn't take. So, like, you know, what bad habit do you hope your children avoid?

A Post About Height

I now own snowshoes and a headlamp but that's not what this post is about.
I saw a coworker/friend in the hall last week and she was wearing the cutest freaking outfit and cute-as boots. Revision: she was rocking cute-as boots and I couldn't help but appreciate how unapologetically tall she is. She's not freakishly tall, just very tall, very I-don't-give-a-damn-and-I'm-wearing-these-big-boots-today-so-there tall. And I thought that I'm the same way except the other direction. I am unapologetically short, or at least I hope so. I stopped growing in the sixth grade and had to make the decision very early on to not care. Sure, I blended in with the grade school field trips that walked the campus up in Bellingham. Yes, sometimes I have to ask strangers to get stuff off store shelves for me. Of course, there's enough room behind my driver's seat for Andre the Giant and a few of his friends. What's the point in lamenting? Am I going to invest in big shoes, wear them every day and give myself bunyons and hammer toes? Hell no! Am I going to save up for a painful and expensive bone stretching surgery? Nope. Do I care that I'm 2 inches away from legally requiring a booster seat in a car in the state of Washington? Yes, actually, that one is kind of disturbing.
I saw this special on 20/20 once where parents were spending tens of thousands of dollars to give their kids HGH (that's human growth hormone in case you aren't in the majors) in the hopes that they would not be, gasp, short. There wasn't any proof that this would work but the parents thought it was worth it so their kids could grow tall and be respected in society. What a bunch of crap! You know what I call that, besides crap? Hooey, shenanigans, absurdity, vanity, hogwash, shit, stupidity, super lame and being a re-taard (as in "The Hangover"). What's so bad about being short, other than being mistaken for a fourth grader and not being able to reach the 2 liter of Coke? Nothing! Buck up and deal with it you ninnies. Geez.
Wow, I'm glad I got that off my chest, it's a weight off these shoulders. Down here, yeah, these shoulders.

Reusies

If you're anything like me you have this unfortunate situation happening:

This is the stockpile of sandwich bags I pulled out of a drawer in my desk. I always bring cereal or chips to snack on at work and I feel so bad throwing away the plastic bags. They are perfectly good with maybe just a few crumbs in the bottom. I always forget they're there and don't take them home so they pile up. Annoying.
At my friend Jenn's baby shower this weekend a eco-concious friend gave her a couple of these:

Introducing Reusies, reusable food bags. So smart! You can order them here.  There are two sizes to choose from and you can wash them by hand, in the washing machine or even the dishwasher. Things like this make me think, "why didn't I think of that?" Next time I have a problem I'm going to seriously consider how I can solve it and make money at the same time. Add that to the list of my new year's resolutions.

Books

Hello, my name is Mariana and I'm a book hoarder. I love to read and I have books all over my condo. Most of them are on a shelf in my guest room but there are also a few stacks near the window, on the computer table and there are two books currently taking up room on my nightstand. I love the way they look on the shelf, haphazardly arranged in the corner. "The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde" is huge, its red fabric cover faded and fraying. I inherited it from Abuelo; it sits horizontally and anchors the bottom shelf. My Harry Potter collection neatly lines the third shelf starting at chambers and ending with horcruxes. "The Heath Anthology of American Literature Volume II" raggedly sits with a few post-its sticking out and dog-eared pages creating gaps. I love that one so much, it's from an American lit class I took sophomore year when I was captivated by ee cummings, forevermore my favorite poet. There is something so fantastic about seeing all my books together. I love them.
The book hoarder in me weeped on Christmas when Dan gave me an Amazon Kindle. It was a very welcome gift, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I'm having trouble giving up real books. I've only downloaded one book on my Kindle and it's kind of weird to click a button to "turn" the page. I also find it strange to not be able to tell how much you have left to go. Usually I'll mark a stopping point which is most often the end of the chapter. With the Kindle you really can't tell where the chapter ends unless you click through the pages one by one to find out. I'm excited to take my Kindle to Australia (less than a month!) because it will take up so much less space in my bag. I figure if I really love a book I can always go buy the real thing and wedge it in between "The Prophet" and "She's Come Undone" but we'll see. I think this is what Dan was trying to avoid by buying me a Kindle:

I wouldn't mind!

Twenty Ten

Twenty ten has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Two thousand ten just takes way too long to say. We don't have time for that. The people of twenty ten are busy.
I was ceremoniously throwing away my two thousand and nine (that took so long to write) calendar and I found the greatest thing. The back pages were blank, and perforated. After tearing them apart I noticed I had a stack of the perfect size paper for lists. Happiness! I love writing lists. Naturally I spent a good half hour writing lists in my cubicle. As much as I complain about my cubicle I do take advantage of the high walls and do what I want, within reason, I am a loyal and hardworking employee after all. I have a Tiffany necklace to prove it. I digress. There is pure joy in list writing. Behold:

It's hard to tell from the picture but the sheets are long rectangles. There are 3 of them here detailing a variety of tasks I will complete in the next few weeks. There is lots to blog about, lots to do, many healthy foods to buy at the store, many many lists to write. Twenty ten is going to be a productive year. What's on your list?

2009 In Review

The year is ending, and oh what a year we've had dear readers. We started with Ms. Carolina turning one, I remember baking a gazillion cupcakes for her party. On her actual birthday, the Epiphany, we ate Rosca de Reyes (did I spell it right Mom?) and I found the little plastic baby Jesus inside. Happy day! Whoever finds the little plastic baby Jesus has to throw a party so I had everyone over the next month to watch the Super Bowl, naturally.

There was a very memorable Valentine's Day Dinner Club with my besties. We exchanged valentines and Betsy gave us all scratch tickets. I was really excited until I realized they were romantic scratch tickets that she bought by accident at Target, they weren't real. So I'm still waiting for my candlelit dinner and backrub that she owes me but I will forgive her the debt if she buys me a real scratch ticket this year.

In March I conquered 1311 steps to the top of the Columbia Tower. You all contributed to my fundraising efforts and for that I am eternally grateful. So grateful in fact that I will not ask you for money next year.

I can't remeber anything that happened in April except that I forgot to wish my friend Adam a happy birthday on the 29th. Sorry Big Herm, let me know what the plans are for this year and happy very belated birthday to you dear friend. Oh wait, my friend Ally had little baby Carson and her daughter Ava turned 3. I get to see them this weekend (hooray!) How could I forget that?!

It was a quiet May with just a few dinners and one memorable Mariner's game.

In June I threw my sister a bachelorette party and danced the robot. We also spent a weekend camping at Alta Lake, one of my favorite yearly traditions. It says here on my calendar there was a half marathon on the 27th. Clearly I did not participate but found it necessary to pencil it in under the delusion that I would actually go. Sometimes I surprise myself with absurd ambition.

July saw my 28th year vanish and my sister got married again (to the same man), it can be confusing, I know.
Dan's neice Chloe had a bone marrow transplant and she is doing very well now, thank goodness.

In August we celebrated Cynthia's pending nuptuals with a bachelorette party in Desert Aire. It was very fun.

September brought said nuptuals in the beautiful city of Santa Fe. I would be happy never eating green chile sauce again.

In October we saw U2 in Canada and my friends Amy and Kristi turned 30.

Don't worry, there are only two more months and I'll wrap it up.

November brought a fabulous Thanksgiving dinner at our friends Tim and Michele's place. This is where I brought the ill fated Williams Sonoma Oreo Cookie cake. Nobody ate it, just as I suspected they wouldn't.
The real Thanksgiving in Bellingham was delicious sans dessert catastrophe. Just how Thanksgiving should be.

Finally here we are in December. The month of good tidings and getting showered with gifts. So I present to you my new car. I just got it yesterday and I'm super excited to drive it everywhere. I hope you have pleasant memories of 2009, that you leave it satisfied and with very few regrets. May your 2010 be prosperous and wonderful and may you be showered with roses and kisses by magical fairy unicorn hybrids. I had to add that last bit because the whole thing was getting a bit cheesy, don't you think?
Have a great New Year's and I will return in 2010 with a list of resolutions to get my ass and bank account in shape.

KitchenAid Users Rejoice

You know when you're mixing something in your KitchenAid and you have to stop every few minutes to scrape the bowl down? It's annoying, right? You will be happy to know that some genius has invented a paddle attachment with silicone wings that scrapes the bowl down for you. Brilliant! It's called the Beater Blade and you can read about it here. I bought mine at Crate and Barrel and I can't wait to try it out when I make a tasty Christmas dessert. I'm thinking about making my award winning* mocha cheesecake, I'll let you know how it goes.

*"award winning" refers to award given at Topline Corp/Report Footwear Inc.'s annual Valentine's Day baking contest 2008. Award was given to my mocha cheesecake in the category of best tasting. I did not rig the votes or pay people to vote for me although there weren't a ton of entries that year and I may or may not have voted for myself.

Holidays and Hooch

Holidays and Hooch was the official name of the cocktail party we went to on Saturday. It was graciously hosted by the soon-to-be Hermans and the Mastans. They asked everybody to bring a bottle of booze (hooch, if you will) and hired a bartender for the evening. You know what happens when somebody else is mixing your drinks. You know, you drink just as much as you would otherwise. Just sayin', we all had our fair share. Here are some pics of the lovely ladies in attendance*. I had to post the pic of new mom Keri and her twin for the evening Betsy. Gotta love showing up in the same dress! Luckily there is no catiness here, just a lot of laughs.

Although I act the Grinch/Scrooge around the holidays I do really love get-togethers like this. This time of the year is a great time to reflect on the special people in your life. I am lucky to have such great friends.

*Pictures courtesy of Marissa via Facebook. I am such a picture thief.

Opinions Welcome

I bought this dress today, cute, no? I don't love the way they've styled it for the website; I'm not into those tights. What do you think?

It might also be the strange look on the model's face or her hair that's throwing me off, not sure. But I'll tell you this: for our only cocktail party of the season I invested in some rollers, super crazy volume hair spray and a decorative hair accessory. If it turns out ok I'll post pics. I hope you all have a fun weekend!

Good Catch Anonymous!

In my haste to tell you about Num Nums I made a big mistake; one that drives me crazy when other people do it. Tsk, tsk, never let your emotions sidetrack you from the laws of grammar. Thank you Mr. or Ms. Anonymous for pointing it out. I appreciate it.
In my post below it should say, "Dan and I" not, "Me and Dan". Shame!
I guess since we're talking grammar I should mention I am confounded by punctutaion when using quotation marks. I never get it right. Does anyone have a quick summary of how this is done?

Found!

Captured: Elusive Num Nums
Found at Fred Meyer 12/1/09, snagged by my new hero, the savior of a child's Christmas dreams, the one and only #1 Dunner (aka Josh).
He really came through for me today and threw some elbows at a few parents that were foaming at the mouth. He dove in and snagged this beautiful thing:

I owe him huge time. I'll have to think of the perfect thank you gift, I did offer a reward after all. Maybe a year's worth of movie tickets, hmm, I'll really have to think about this one. Chloe is going to be so happy. Me and Dan win best aunt and uncle this year, yesssssss.

Wanted!

REWARD!
HAMSTER WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE STUFFED

Elusive grey stuffed hamster, responds to the name Numnums
3" tall, .4lbs
Identifying marks: white heart on back, pink plastic nose, beady little eyes
Considered extremely cuddly, hard to find, is known to make rare appearances during holiday sales at discount department stores. Beware the throngs of elbow throwing adults if Numnums is spotted. Proceed with caution.

Is It January Yet?

It's the most wonderful time of the year! And by wonderful I mean stressful and cold and filled with greedy consumerism and the brain numbing sounds of Mariah Carey singing Christmas music and overworked baristas steaming eggnog. Kill me now.

Dan's super adorable niece Chloe really really wants a Zhu Zhu hamster pet for Christmas. She wants the grey one named Numnums with the white heart on his back. So we decided to buy her one. Not so fast. I quickly Googled it and found one on Amazon. All was well, right? Um, no. Thank goodness we called Dan's brother Mike to make sure which one she wanted because he was surprised to hear that we had found one and quickly alerted us to the fact that they normally only cost $10. So how much was I about to fork over for a small stuffed hamster with a funny name? 64 bucks. That's right, I was about to get completely taken by some enterprising seller on Amazon who saw an early trend and snatched up as many Zhu Zhus as she could and is now sitting on a big pile of money and laughing. Sweet.

And this is a perfect example of why I don't like Christmas: the fact that somebody is likely going to get trampled and die at WalMart on Friday over a stuffed toy. It's sad, just sad.

Kitchen Fail (unless the goal was to bake a cake that looks like a pile of shit)

Dear Williams Sonoma,

 I think it is totally unaceptable for you to send me a catalog with a picture of this and imply that I can recreate it at home.

You need to add a disclaimer that novice bakers and otherwise failures in the kitchen need to avoid such projects that will leave them with four totally shitty looking chocolate cakes that do not even remotely resemble an Oreo cookie. Please refrain from luring me into your store with pretty pictures of beautiful feasts.

Sincerely,
Me

You Can Now Cut Me With a Rusty Knife

Sorry for my absence. I was recovering from Bronchitis and the weirdest ailment yet, a bad reaction to a Tetanus shot. I went to the doctor on Friday after Operation Pho did not work in evicting Mr. Mucus from my chest cavity. The friendly nurse persuaded me to get a Tetanus shot since I was approximately 26 years overdue for one. I resisted, after all, you can get a Tetanus shot when you really need it: at the emergency room. However, she dazzled me with talk of "the new Tetanus shot" that also protects against Whooping Cough and bad hair days. So I caved. Cut to Saturday morning when I wake up and can't move my arm. For the next couple days my arm was a heavy log hanging from my shoulder, unable to operate. I also had a fever and a bad case of the whinies (sorry Dan). By Monday I could move my arm but it still hurt. Today I still have some swelling but it feels much better. The moral of this story is: don't let the nurse or the doctor up sell you. They are a business too but they benefit from the advantage of scaring you with threats to your health. If you go in for Bronchitis, don't leave with a Tetanus shot. Lesson learned.

I wasn't looking for a tenant

Somebody has moved in. He's big, smelly, green and disgusting. It's this guy:

He moved into my chest cavity last night and is currently flipping channels with his feet up. I took some Mucinex this morning in an eviction attempt but he's a stubborn tenant and so far is refusing to vacate. I think operation Pho might do the trick. I'll let you know.

2 birthdays + 1 holiday = busy weekend

Happy 30th birthdays Amy and Kristi! Two of my favorite people turned 30 this weekend, Kristi on Halloween and Amy the day after. I hope you guys had a great weekend and lots of fun at your parties.

Amy is the blonde one. Check out the adorable dress, so appropriate no? Love it.

Picture courtesy of my FB photo-robbing skills.

Here's the recently engaged Kristi before she went to the dark side. Relax, I'm talking about her hair, it's black now.

I love you both and can't wait for what the future has in store for all of us. Weddings, houses, maybe babies? We'll see...

Skinny? Not So Much

I thought I would get away with not posting anything about the skinny jeans I bought on Friday. But Amber, you are an observant one, so here's the post.

After a few years of contemplating and procrastinating, I finally broke down and bought a pair of skinny jeans. I realize skinny jeans are no novelty and nothing new but it took me a long time to catch up to this trend. Let's not get carried away and think I'm actually going to post a picture of myself in the jeans, that would be silly. Instead I'll show you this (picture them minus the rolled bottom):

and this:



and tell you I wore them together with a simple black top. Satisfied?