Friday, July 31, 2009

To hold you over, like a slice of cheese between lunch and dinner

I survived the longest week in history. Dan got home from VA yesterday, my sis and Mike are already back from their honeymoon, the family is slowly trickling back down to Mexico, Ms. Chloe is still in the hospital but we're hoping for good news on her transplant results, and my mom passed gracefully from 59 to 60 and hardly complained about her poorly organized chaotic mess of a party (my fault). Despite a downpour in the middle of the reception we had a great time at the wedding on Saturday. As soon as I move from in front of these 3 fans I will find some pictures to post. In the meantime I thought I would tell you about some things on my mind. Some are kind of new, some seriously dated but I hope they entertain you for a little bit.

First of all, what the hell is up with the two bathtubs in the Cialis commercials? Who would put two bathtubs side by side in front of a dock or on a mountain top or on their deck? I find this seriously retarded. No matter your age you are not having sex if your partner is in a separate bathtub than you. It's simple logistics.

When Donald Trump gets rid of contestants on his reality show The Apprentice he says, "you're fired." However, the contestants are all vying for the job, so they're not actually hired yet. You can't fire somebody you haven't hired. Granted, the send off, "you're not hired" is not as catchy but at least it makes sense.

There's some country singer, Carrie Underwood mayhap, that sings, "carved my name into his leather seats." Um, hello, dumb ass, that's like spray painting, "Littlemeah was here" on the side of a building or keying your name on someone's car. Carrie advises us maybe her ex will think twice before he cheats. Maybe you'll think twice, Carrie, when you are sitting in jail and you see yourself on the next episode of America's Dumbest Criminals.

Did you know that now more than ever people are saying, "now more than ever"? I suppose there are trends in marketing and right now the trend is doomsday advertising. But now more than ever I wish companies would stop warning us that we need their product now more than ever.

Did you notice they switched the Sleep Country woman on the commercials? Does it bother you that they dress the two exactly the same in khaki pants and sensible sweater sets? Like maybe you won't notice the new gal is way skinnier and looks nothing like the old gal? And who says gal anymore? What am I, 50?

I feel great now that I have that all off my chest. Thanks for your help, it's like therapy, really. Next week, same time?

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Stress Level Alert: High

You know when you drive through the mountains and they have those signs with Smokey the Bear and a chart indicating the fire threat level? The sign is manually set to low, medium or high. Well, imagine one of those with my picture on it; you can add smoke coming from my ears if you'd like. The top of the sign says, "Today's stress level is:" and the sign says VERY HIGH. Let me tell you a few of the things happening lately that have me popping sedatives at bed time. First, my sis and Mike are getting married on Saturday. You know how there's a million little things to do before a wedding? We're trudging through the to-do list and getting all those little details in order. My uncle Pablo, aunt Jacqueline and cousin Veronica are coming from Mexico tomorrow and staying with us, hence all the Facebook posts about cleaning the guest room this weekend. I really want them to feel at home and I guess their home isn't filled with junk and dust bunnies. That's enough to drive this couch potato into frenzy mode but there's still more. Dan is taking the bar in Virginia next week. He has been really focused on studying and his stress level is right up there with mine. Also, his super adorable 6 year old niece Chloe is undergoing a bone marrow transplant today. The recovery is really long and painful. She will be in the hospital for awhile. Please pray for her.
Are you overwhelmed yet? There's more. My mom turns 60 on Sunday so we're having a brunch at my parent's house and I still need to find a gift for her and help finalize the planning for her party.
I might go into hibernation next week. Don't look for me.
*Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Wednesday, July 08, 2009


I love DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince's "Summertime" as much as the next twenty-something but it bothers me that the events laid out in the third verse are basically impossible. Can you really go to the mall (when it's already late in the day no less), hop in the water plug for old times sake, break to the crib to change your clothes, make it to the barbeque by 4, watch the old folks dance at your family reunion, reminisce about the days growing up and the first person you kissed, wipe your car down, go to the summertime hangout/car show and, wait a second, you supposedly just came from the barbershop/beauty salon and spent all day waxing your car. Um, I don't think I like the Fresh Prince's new definition of summer madness. I'll stick to doing just a couple of things a day during the summer, thank you.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Cliche of the day

Today's cliche is "star-studded." If it were a drinking game to take a shot every time I've heard that today I'd be face down in my neighbor's yard in a pool of vomit wearing only an apron and one paisley sock.