Saturday, January 30, 2010

You Want This Dog!

Do you hate to sleep and love the sound of barking? Yes? I have a deal for you.  For the bargain price of free you can take home a 5 1/2 year old Miniature Schnauzer with unproven but obvious traces of Poodle (aka Schnoodle). Throw out your heating pad, this dog will sleep on top of you all night. Stop worrying about how to spend all that money in your bank account. This furry little friend requires expensive grain-free kibble and costly enzyme powder not once, but twice a day. Still have some cash left? Great! You can spend it on vet fees and grooming. Do you hate sitting still? Looking to cure your RLS? Perfect! You can walk this naughty thing 3 times a day while she takes her sweet time taking a poo; one that may or may not be solid, which may or may not cause you to worry about her disease acting up, which may or may not require a trip to the vet. Do you hate your neighbors? Looking for a way to annoy and alienate them? The answer couldn't be clearer. This dog will solve all your problems. Call or email today. This offer is only available for a limited time.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Just Wondering What You Think

I read this article just a minute ago. My instant reaction was to say, uh huh, yeah, sure, riiiight. I'm sure you're free of your gay impulses. Congratulations. Side note: I read a suggestion somewhere that there should be a special font for sarcasm. I completely agree. Anyway, I do not personally think that Ted Haggard is cured of his gay urges. Whether or not he chooses to use his theraputic experience in order to avoid acting on said urges is a different matter entirely. I'm not here to judge. That's not what this post is about.
What this article got me thinking is what exactly did you mean when you said your vows at the altar? For Mrs. Haggard her vows meant that she would stick by her husband despite a meth addiction and tryst with a male prostitute. Is that what we all vowed? Does, "till death do us part" include homosexual promiscuity, drug use, infidelity or dishonesty? Do you think each person's "I do" is a different set of "I won'ts?" Where would you draw the line? Do you think the same is true of your spouse? Did you ever talk to your spouse about this before you married him or her? I'm curious what you guys think of this. Discuss.

Monday, January 25, 2010

So, Like, You Know

Dan and I were watching The Real Housewives of Orange County this weekend and there was a scene where Lynne's daughters "talked" to each other. Nothing was actually said. It was just a jumble of cringe inducing sos, likes and you knows softly spoken with inflection at the end of each word as if a question was being asked. So? Like? You know? I told Dan if we have a daughter and she talks like that we're sending her to speech therapy. He agreed and added that he would use a shock collar in case the therapy didn't take. So, like, you know, what bad habit do you hope your children avoid?

Thursday, January 21, 2010

A Post About Height

I now own snowshoes and a headlamp but that's not what this post is about.
I saw a coworker/friend in the hall last week and she was wearing the cutest freaking outfit and cute-as boots. Revision: she was rocking cute-as boots and I couldn't help but appreciate how unapologetically tall she is. She's not freakishly tall, just very tall, very I-don't-give-a-damn-and-I'm-wearing-these-big-boots-today-so-there tall. And I thought that I'm the same way except the other direction. I am unapologetically short, or at least I hope so. I stopped growing in the sixth grade and had to make the decision very early on to not care. Sure, I blended in with the grade school field trips that walked the campus up in Bellingham. Yes, sometimes I have to ask strangers to get stuff off store shelves for me. Of course, there's enough room behind my driver's seat for Andre the Giant and a few of his friends. What's the point in lamenting? Am I going to invest in big shoes, wear them every day and give myself bunyons and hammer toes? Hell no! Am I going to save up for a painful and expensive bone stretching surgery? Nope. Do I care that I'm 2 inches away from legally requiring a booster seat in a car in the state of Washington? Yes, actually, that one is kind of disturbing.
I saw this special on 20/20 once where parents were spending tens of thousands of dollars to give their kids HGH (that's human growth hormone in case you aren't in the majors) in the hopes that they would not be, gasp, short. There wasn't any proof that this would work but the parents thought it was worth it so their kids could grow tall and be respected in society. What a bunch of crap! You know what I call that, besides crap? Hooey, shenanigans, absurdity, vanity, hogwash, shit, stupidity, super lame and being a re-taard (as in "The Hangover"). What's so bad about being short, other than being mistaken for a fourth grader and not being able to reach the 2 liter of Coke? Nothing! Buck up and deal with it you ninnies. Geez.
Wow, I'm glad I got that off my chest, it's a weight off these shoulders. Down here, yeah, these shoulders.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


If you're anything like me you have this unfortunate situation happening:

This is the stockpile of sandwich bags I pulled out of a drawer in my desk. I always bring cereal or chips to snack on at work and I feel so bad throwing away the plastic bags. They are perfectly good with maybe just a few crumbs in the bottom. I always forget they're there and don't take them home so they pile up. Annoying.
At my friend Jenn's baby shower this weekend a eco-concious friend gave her a couple of these:

Introducing Reusies, reusable food bags. So smart! You can order them here.  There are two sizes to choose from and you can wash them by hand, in the washing machine or even the dishwasher. Things like this make me think, "why didn't I think of that?" Next time I have a problem I'm going to seriously consider how I can solve it and make money at the same time. Add that to the list of my new year's resolutions.

Friday, January 08, 2010


Hello, my name is Mariana and I'm a book hoarder. I love to read and I have books all over my condo. Most of them are on a shelf in my guest room but there are also a few stacks near the window, on the computer table and there are two books currently taking up room on my nightstand. I love the way they look on the shelf, haphazardly arranged in the corner. "The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde" is huge, its red fabric cover faded and fraying. I inherited it from Abuelo; it sits horizontally and anchors the bottom shelf. My Harry Potter collection neatly lines the third shelf starting at chambers and ending with horcruxes. "The Heath Anthology of American Literature Volume II" raggedly sits with a few post-its sticking out and dog-eared pages creating gaps. I love that one so much, it's from an American lit class I took sophomore year when I was captivated by ee cummings, forevermore my favorite poet. There is something so fantastic about seeing all my books together. I love them.
The book hoarder in me weeped on Christmas when Dan gave me an Amazon Kindle. It was a very welcome gift, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I'm having trouble giving up real books. I've only downloaded one book on my Kindle and it's kind of weird to click a button to "turn" the page. I also find it strange to not be able to tell how much you have left to go. Usually I'll mark a stopping point which is most often the end of the chapter. With the Kindle you really can't tell where the chapter ends unless you click through the pages one by one to find out. I'm excited to take my Kindle to Australia (less than a month!) because it will take up so much less space in my bag. I figure if I really love a book I can always go buy the real thing and wedge it in between "The Prophet" and "She's Come Undone" but we'll see. I think this is what Dan was trying to avoid by buying me a Kindle:

I wouldn't mind!

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Twenty Ten

Twenty ten has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Two thousand ten just takes way too long to say. We don't have time for that. The people of twenty ten are busy.
I was ceremoniously throwing away my two thousand and nine (that took so long to write) calendar and I found the greatest thing. The back pages were blank, and perforated. After tearing them apart I noticed I had a stack of the perfect size paper for lists. Happiness! I love writing lists. Naturally I spent a good half hour writing lists in my cubicle. As much as I complain about my cubicle I do take advantage of the high walls and do what I want, within reason, I am a loyal and hardworking employee after all. I have a Tiffany necklace to prove it. I digress. There is pure joy in list writing. Behold:

It's hard to tell from the picture but the sheets are long rectangles. There are 3 of them here detailing a variety of tasks I will complete in the next few weeks. There is lots to blog about, lots to do, many healthy foods to buy at the store, many many lists to write. Twenty ten is going to be a productive year. What's on your list?