Good Catch Anonymous!

In my haste to tell you about Num Nums I made a big mistake; one that drives me crazy when other people do it. Tsk, tsk, never let your emotions sidetrack you from the laws of grammar. Thank you Mr. or Ms. Anonymous for pointing it out. I appreciate it.
In my post below it should say, "Dan and I" not, "Me and Dan". Shame!
I guess since we're talking grammar I should mention I am confounded by punctutaion when using quotation marks. I never get it right. Does anyone have a quick summary of how this is done?

Apostrophiasco

Hey people please read and heed: the apostrophe does not pluralize.

If you caption a photo with a family name, say, the Smiths, you don't need an apostrophe. The apostrophe denotes possession so you would only use it if you were talking about something that belongs to the Smiths.

Correct:

I heard about Judy Smith's new Mercedes. It cost more than my condo.

Incorrect:

Let's invite the Smith's over for a barbecue. Sam loves my deviled eggs.

WRONG! So very wrong.

Please, no more pictures captioned, "The Hoover's" or, "The Reagan's". Please!

A note to my coworker, the plural of box is boxes, not box's. The plural of shelf is shelves, not shelf's. Got it?

Writers, Gather Round

Close your eyes and imagine Tim Gunn saying it, "Designers, gather round." Except it's not Tim Gunn, it's me, and I'm calling you all to gather around me and listen. Listen intently because what I will tell you is paramount to the success and readability of your future blog posts, emails, essays, love notes and manifestos. When you are referring to yourself there is a simple way to decide if you should use me or I. 

If you went to the store with Suzy McFluzy, your promiscuous yet lovable friend, you would say, "Suzy and I went to the store and bought a pregnancy test." If you are posting a picture of yourself and Suzy you would add the caption, "Me and Suzy at Planned Parenthood." 

Here's how you can tell which pronoun to use. Say the sentence to yourself and omit Suzy, she's kind of a skank anyway. Say, "I went to the store to buy wholesome things such as shampoo and nail polish remover." You wouldn't say, "Me went to the store" so you shouldn't say that if Suzy is around either. 

Similarly, if you posted a picture of yourself you would not caption it, "I serving food to the homeless." So if Suzy came to the food kitchen (which I doubt because she's too busy meeting guys she met on Craigslist) you need to use the correct pronoun me if you're talking about the both of you. Get it? Good. 

I don't want to see anymore misused pronouns.

Make it work.

Listen up

The word height does not have an h on the end. It's pronounced the way it's spelled, with a t sound.

Carry on.

SPOGG

I like to scrutinize grammar, specifically the abominations in my coworkers’ emails. I’ve gotten such ear-steam inducing phrases in my inbox as, “your killing me”. I wanted to write back, “you're killing me”. I’ve also seen phrases come through like, “the self’s are full”. Seriously, where did you learn English? You all know I can’t handle, “please advice”. There’s also the rampant disregard for punctuation. I can tell you’re excited with just one exclamation point; you don’t need to use seven and make yourself look like an 8-year-old in line to see the Jonas Brothers.

Today is a good day in my book because I have been introduced to SPOGG, The Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar. The founder of this gem of a society needs to hightail it to my office and give my coworkers a whoopin’.

Here’s the mandatory disclaimer that you will see spelling and grammatical mistakes in my blog. I’m not perfect and I really don’t think I’m the queen of grammar (maybe just the princess, or the court jester). Anyway, I’m not trying to get all grammar elitist on you. I just think there are glaringly obvious imperfections in my coworkers’ emails and they should at least take a cursory glance at their compositions before hitting send. That’s all. Moving on…

My birthday is coming up and one of those SPOGG mugs would look mighty fine on my desk. Just sayin’.

I cannot advice so please stop asking

Dear Coworker,

I am not so fond of you. It's not because you demand the impossible (lower prices, earlier deliveries, quality at an affordable price, interest in your children/birthday/marital problem/stomach ailment/son's college entrance requirements/dog/car troubles). No, it's not those things. What I'm referring to here is the horrendous grammar that pollutes the messages in my inbox. I get this hastily written garbage daily. Before you hit send, read your email. I'd wager a hefty sum that you'll be as repulsed as I am once you realize how you look when you send me this steamy load of words.

This is the one. This is the mistake grinds my insides: "please advice". I let this one go for a long time. I understand that Microsoft bungled this one when they programmed spell check. Let's be honest though, this is not a difficult mistake to recognize. I assume you have been educated, and I assume at some point during your education you learned the parts of speech. Apparently I have made an ass of you, as well as myself. Here is a refresher, and I don't want to have to tell you again.

Advise = verb, advice = noun. It is not possible to advice. So quit asking me to do so. I cannot advice, even if you say please. I can't advice if the shoe is blue or yellow. I can't advice if the price is 4 dollars or 3. I am willing to ignore the various other grammatical errors in your emails if you just cut it out with this "advice" nonsense. I'll ignore your lack of knowlege concerning the use of elipses (i.e. "Hi Team....... ...... ....... ....). I'll even ignore your obnoxious use of the word "team" as a greeting in all of your emails (not grammatically incorrect but annoying nonetheless). Please, take my advice to heart. We will both be better people.

Sincerely,

Me