and the most disturbing crime of the year award goes to...

Dear person who put sharpened metal spikes in Green Lake,

Congratulations, you are officially the creepiest weirdo in Seattle. You hold the title for the most malicious and creative way to injure an innocent citizen. I must inquire about your sneaky methods. How did you manage to go unnoticed and put not 1, not 2, but an astounding 50 metal spikes in the lake? Is your handy work performed in the dark of the night? Do you operate on dreary winter days when Green Lake is sparsely visited? I am intrigued and disgusted by your hobby. I am sure the Seattle Police and the Parks Department will find you. When they do, I hope they take you to a dark hole somewhere and stab you with your own weapons. You are the stuff of which urban legends are made, and that’s not a good thing.

Years ago, when I was naïve impressionable teenager, I was told there were tether ball poles in Lake Washington under I-90. When naïve and impressionable teenagers went seeking a thrill in the heat of the summer they would go out to the bridge and hurl themselves to certain impalement. In the core of my young brain I knew this to be false, but I kind of believed it. After hearing of your little escapade to Green Lake I think maybe the tether ball pole myth might be true after all. Either way, I’m not about to go jumping off a bridge or swimming in Green Lake anytime in the near future.

So thanks, creepy weirdo. Thanks for making us all think twice before doing something so simple as swimming in our city’s refreshing waterways. Thanks for making me doubt reason and common sense when I hear a silly urban legend. Thanks for sending chills up and down my spine on the way to work this morning. Run fast, creepy weirdo; hide well, because when they manage to find you I’m sure you’re in some deep shit.

Sincerely,
Me