Is this thing on?

Hello? Anybody out there? So nobody has an opinion of Saturn Return, huh? Ok, I get it, astrology isn't your thing, right? You didn't want to click on the link? You're busy? So what is it? Please don't tell me you've stopped reading my blog.

I'll post more, I will.

Life is kind of on a downswing right now. I think things go in waves, up and down and right now is a down time. Work is stressville. My boss treats me like a rodent and I can't seem to do anything right. I have no money, this is completely my own fault but irritating nonetheless. There is some other stuff but I won't go into the details, I'm sure you have better things to do than listen to me whine.

I keep reminding myself that things aren't that bad, to stop being such a pansy and buck up. What I really need to do is find myself a productive and enriching career. What do you suggest? Do you have any ideas for me? Do you just want to post a nice comment to cheer me up? I would like that.

Saturn Return

My friend Amy told me about this phenomenon today and I'm not sure what to think. The romantic, astrology believing (and slightly valley girl) side of my brain says, "OMG, this is like so totally right on" but the sensible, skeptical side of my brain says, "what a load".
Usually, I think astrology is bunk. I think it was invented by enterprising free spirits that needed a quick buck and were good at writing "deep" synopses of life that majically appelaed to everyone due to their vague nature. Said free spirits needed some context to make their craft believeable so they chose something few can refute, planets. Viola, a business was born.
I'd like to know what you think. Has Saturn returned or do people have too much time on their hands?

Ana and Mike's wedding

I apologize for the delay in posting pics of Ana and Mike's big day. I was busy partying in Desert Aire but more about that later.

The venue was a family friend's house in Snohomish. Behind the altar area is a huge water feature that they've labored over for a few years. It was a great backdrop for the ceremony.

The happy family.

Quite possibly the cutest flower girl the world has ever seen.

Matron of honor, moi and best man Geoff (my dress was too long, drats!)

Cue the tears. The beautiful bride with parents in tow.

Hello fabulous shoes!

Time to party.

So it says here on your resume your name is Idiot Moron, is that right? Yes, but I go by Liability

Dear girl who is suing your former college for 70 grand because you can't find a job,

You're a moron. Good luck ever finding a job or getting into grad school after this stunt. Nobody will ever hire you, accept you into their institution, rent you a house, sell you a car, move in with you or god forbid, marry you. You will encounter enough people who will tell you how stupid you are so you don't really need me to continue on about how you're an idiot. Please tell your lawyer he or she is also a complete dumb ass. Good luck with the rest of your life, with your reasoning skills it sounds like you'll need it.

Sincerely,

Me

To hold you over, like a slice of cheese between lunch and dinner

I survived the longest week in history. Dan got home from VA yesterday, my sis and Mike are already back from their honeymoon, the family is slowly trickling back down to Mexico, Ms. Chloe is still in the hospital but we're hoping for good news on her transplant results, and my mom passed gracefully from 59 to 60 and hardly complained about her poorly organized chaotic mess of a party (my fault). Despite a downpour in the middle of the reception we had a great time at the wedding on Saturday. As soon as I move from in front of these 3 fans I will find some pictures to post. In the meantime I thought I would tell you about some things on my mind. Some are kind of new, some seriously dated but I hope they entertain you for a little bit.

First of all, what the hell is up with the two bathtubs in the Cialis commercials? Who would put two bathtubs side by side in front of a dock or on a mountain top or on their deck? I find this seriously retarded. No matter your age you are not having sex if your partner is in a separate bathtub than you. It's simple logistics.

When Donald Trump gets rid of contestants on his reality show The Apprentice he says, "you're fired." However, the contestants are all vying for the job, so they're not actually hired yet. You can't fire somebody you haven't hired. Granted, the send off, "you're not hired" is not as catchy but at least it makes sense.

There's some country singer, Carrie Underwood mayhap, that sings, "carved my name into his leather seats." Um, hello, dumb ass, that's like spray painting, "Littlemeah was here" on the side of a building or keying your name on someone's car. Carrie advises us maybe her ex will think twice before he cheats. Maybe you'll think twice, Carrie, when you are sitting in jail and you see yourself on the next episode of America's Dumbest Criminals.

Did you know that now more than ever people are saying, "now more than ever"? I suppose there are trends in marketing and right now the trend is doomsday advertising. But now more than ever I wish companies would stop warning us that we need their product now more than ever.

Did you notice they switched the Sleep Country woman on the commercials? Does it bother you that they dress the two exactly the same in khaki pants and sensible sweater sets? Like maybe you won't notice the new gal is way skinnier and looks nothing like the old gal? And who says gal anymore? What am I, 50?

I feel great now that I have that all off my chest. Thanks for your help, it's like therapy, really. Next week, same time?

Stress Level Alert: High

You know when you drive through the mountains and they have those signs with Smokey the Bear and a chart indicating the fire threat level? The sign is manually set to low, medium or high. Well, imagine one of those with my picture on it; you can add smoke coming from my ears if you'd like. The top of the sign says, "Today's stress level is:" and the sign says VERY HIGH. Let me tell you a few of the things happening lately that have me popping sedatives at bed time. First, my sis and Mike are getting married on Saturday. You know how there's a million little things to do before a wedding? We're trudging through the to-do list and getting all those little details in order. My uncle Pablo, aunt Jacqueline and cousin Veronica are coming from Mexico tomorrow and staying with us, hence all the Facebook posts about cleaning the guest room this weekend. I really want them to feel at home and I guess their home isn't filled with junk and dust bunnies. That's enough to drive this couch potato into frenzy mode but there's still more. Dan is taking the bar in Virginia next week. He has been really focused on studying and his stress level is right up there with mine. Also, his super adorable 6 year old niece Chloe is undergoing a bone marrow transplant today. The recovery is really long and painful. She will be in the hospital for awhile. Please pray for her.
Are you overwhelmed yet? There's more. My mom turns 60 on Sunday so we're having a brunch at my parent's house and I still need to find a gift for her and help finalize the planning for her party.
I might go into hibernation next week. Don't look for me.
*Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images

Summer"time"

I love DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince's "Summertime" as much as the next twenty-something but it bothers me that the events laid out in the third verse are basically impossible. Can you really go to the mall (when it's already late in the day no less), hop in the water plug for old times sake, break to the crib to change your clothes, make it to the barbeque by 4, watch the old folks dance at your family reunion, reminisce about the days growing up and the first person you kissed, wipe your car down, go to the summertime hangout/car show and, wait a second, you supposedly just came from the barbershop/beauty salon and spent all day waxing your car. Um, I don't think I like the Fresh Prince's new definition of summer madness. I'll stick to doing just a couple of things a day during the summer, thank you.

Cliche of the day

Today's cliche is "star-studded." If it were a drinking game to take a shot every time I've heard that today I'd be face down in my neighbor's yard in a pool of vomit wearing only an apron and one paisley sock.

Tick, tick, tick

Have you ever planned a vacation or a short weekend getaway and the last day of work before you leave is excruciating? I'm feeling that way right now. We're off to Alta tonight and I've been at my desk planning the weekend all morning. Did I pack my swim suit? Does the car have enough gas? Did we buy enough hot dog buns? Who will pick up ice on the way home for the cooler? At approximately what time can I relax and open a cold beer? Did I pack the bug spray? Will it be sunny all weekend? Ugh, can the work day just be over now? I want to go, go, go.

What's that feet? You need shoes?

Are your feet trying to tell you something? Tangent warning. When I went to Western there was an article in the student paper where this girl's feet told her they hated shoes and asked her to be free. She complied and never wore shoes again, even in the middle of winter. She was on shrooms when her feet talked to her, obviously, feet don't talk to sober people.

Aneeeeway, Report Shoes is having a sample sale on Saturday. If your feet haven't asked you not to, you should go. Here is the info:

Once again my lack of computer skills has caused deep shame to my family. Ok, not really but I can't figure out how to make the picture bigger so I'll just have to tell you:

Report Sample Sale

Lots of great shoes in sizes 6-11 from a variety of brands including Report, Report Signature, R2 and more.

Saturday June 20th from 10-1 at 13150 SE 32nd St Bellevue, WA 98005.

100% of the proceeds go to New Beginnings. Google them.

Don't miss it unless your hippie feet revolt.

Rambling, it's better than nothing. I hope.

Oh my, this blog is on the bottom of the list. What list you ask. Well, I'm not sure what list. It could be on the summer to do list right under watch HGTV, watch the real housewives of anywhere they happen to be showing and sleep. Or, it could be on the list of things I haven't done in awhile such as hot yoga, avoid dairy and clean my condo.
The past month has been pretty slow. Lola is as stinky as ever. She turned 5 on June 4th but hasn't gotten the memo that she needs to stop acting like a spoiled anxious puppy. I got her a portable water bowl so she can rehydrate on long walks. She really liked it and told me it's the second best birthday gift she's ever gotten right behind Mr. Monkey. She also thanked me for keeping her alive with powdered pancreas enzyme. I told her she was welcome and I'm happy to do it.
On June 6th I partook in slight shenanigans at Ana's bachelorette party. We had a suite at the Farimont (just call me Mrs. High Roller) where Ana opened gifts and we drank drinks. Then we had a fab dinner at Purple and then we went to a variety of strange bars. First was the "hipster" bar called Vessel. The tall, lanky concierge with a lisp told me it was cool. I should have known better. The place had 3 chairs and bar menu the length of an encylopedia (it even had a glossary in the back). The drinks were $12 (note to Vessel: you're not Vegas). I think if they charge $12 for a cocktail they should have more than 3 chairs.
We then hobbled our way to The Triple Door where there was nothing happening. So we went to Kell's which was great until I started drinking Jeager and Red Bull and dancing like a robot. The robot is pretty sweet but you have to be with people who get you and expect your retarded antics. My sister's friends don't really know me so I think they were kind of like, "what the hell". We had a great time though and my sister's friends are a really fun group of girls. I am looking forward to seeing them all again at the wedding. Maybe I'll introduce them to the Axl.

This is me holding back from some smart-ass comment about my burning workplace

My sister called me tonight to ask if I was aware that my office was on fire. I went online and sure enough, there was smoke billowing onto I-90 as the building burned. My company has two offices, our main building and another couple of offices in a shared building down the block. This shared space is called the Annex office and this is the one burning tonight. I work in the main building so luckily all my files and samples are spared. A lot of my coworkers aren't so lucky. I don't know the whole story or the extent of the damage yet. I'll let you know what happens. 

Just wanted to let you know

If you're looking for a good source of hydration without tons of calories or sugar (or gross fake sweeteners), then I have found the thing for you. Try Nuun. The fizzy tablets are similar to Airborne. Just drop one into your water bottle and it hydrates you better than water without the stomach ache that comes with gulping a cold Gatorade. Dan and I got some free samples at Beat the Bridge yesterday and we're hooked. It doesn't taste too sweet and it has a little bit of fizz to keep your water interesting. Their website also has tons of good info about hydration. I love finding a good product and sharing so here you go. Try it out and let me know what you think.

Somebody call BPS

This blog is ne-glec-ted! 

I say F it, there's no poem. Sorry Stacie, I love you. You sat next to McLovin courtside at an NBA playoff game. I don't feel so bad now.  When you're in town I'll buy you a box of Oh's.

Let's move on...

No time for poetry, I've got a vacation to plan

I send my sincerest apologies to those of you who were anticipating a poem about Stacie; I have to postpone the poem post (alliteration fans, rejoice) because there is bigger news to share.

For approximately 7 years I have been craving a jaunt to the land down under, you know, where women flow and men sunder (or whatever the lyrics are), the place where people smile and give you a Vegemite sandwich. Yes, Australia! I can only think of cliches so I might as well just throw them at you. I can hardly wait, I am counting the seconds, I am beside myself, this is a dream come true, this is something I've always wanted to do, etc, etc. Side note: the worst cliche of all time is fun in the sun. Please refrain from ever writing that, anywhere. ever.

Dan and I found reasonably priced tickets last week and booked the trip (admittedly, on a whim). I am so excited to see my friend Lill and her parents and finally meet her bf Jordan and her sister Alice. It's going to be hard to wait 10 months but I'm thankful for the extra time to plan and save money. Now if I could only get "Land Down Under" out of my head. Thanks a lot Men at Work.

I will get to the poem eventually. Patience people, patience.

And the blog post goes to...

Fine, I've milked out all the guesses I'm going to get. My very very favorite cereal currently costs only $2.00 at Safeway and leaves a film of grease on the roof of your mouth. I am talking about delicious Oh's. Congrats to Stacie who posted her guess and immediately emailed me at work to make sure she was right. Yes, Stass, all those summer mornings after cheer practice eating Oh's at my house finally paid off. I already wrote a post about Stacie (read it here), so I'm going to get creative and channel my inner Sylvia Plath. No, I'm not sticking my head in the oven, I'm writing a poem about Stacie. I haven't written a poem since Poetry 351 at Western so it might take me a couple of days to put this one together. Bear with me folks and stay tuned for a poetic gem about Stacie.

A contest! A random ass contest.

What's your favorite cereal? Are you an old soul who likes Raisin Bran? Are you a kid at heart and you love Fruit Loops or Cookie Crisp every morning? Are you a health nut and carefully eat Kashi Go Lean served with a measuring cup? Do you mix it up? Do you eat cereal for dinner sometimes?

If you were on the '97-'98 LWHS cheer squad (go Kangs) you know what my favorite cereal is because you came over to my house every day in the summer after 8am practice and we ate cereal and watched A Wedding Story before heading out to Stacie's house or Waverly to sunbathe on the dock.

If you can guess or remember the name of my very fav cereal I will write my next post about you (and only say very nice things)* Fire up those brains and write your answer in the comment section. Good luck!

*Prize subject to terms and conditions. The first person to guess correctly will be awarded with a blog post about him or her in which only very nice things will be said. Date and length of post are at author's discretion. No revisions or edits will be made after post is published. Post may contain picture of winner to be chosen by the author. The winner will also receive a box of author's very very favorite cereal. If winner lives in the greater Seattle area, the author might come and eat cereal at winner's house or invite winner to do the same at author's house. Date of cereal eating get-together to be chosen by mutual consent of winner and author. Please note that author only drinks soy milk.

Vote or Die Blog

This blog is amazing. Aimee and Scott are the blogging power couple. I love it!
**update: I should have posted a link to Aimee's blog. Isn't it great? Keep up the good work guys.

Hey big climber

Yesterday Betsy and I climbed 69 flights of stairs to the 75th floor of the Columbia Tower. I think we started on floor 5 and there's no floor 13 so the math should work out for the brainiacs reading this. Betsy absolutely smoked me. I didn't see her from floor 10 until the finish. She took off at a steady pace and made it to the top in under 20 minutes. I, on the other hand, had to stop every few floors to catch my breath, make sure I wasn't under cardiac arrest and check to see if my legs were still attached. Luckily, everything was in place and I finished in 30 minutes. I am so grateful to all of you for your generous donations and support. Those of you who donated will receive something in the mail shortly. Those of you who wished me luck and supported me, thank you! I could not have done it without you. Every time I wanted to die (about every other floor) I thought of all the people pulling for me and all the cancer patients and their families that deal with much more difficult struggles every single day.

I think Shelby and all the other talented photographers are laughing at these grainy pics but I wanted to show them to you anyway. Cameras were not allowed so we took these with my phone. Ignore the weird thing my hair is doing and focus on the awesome view. It was a welcome sight!

Jelly Bellies are not smelly jellies

Um ,what? I even confuse myself with this nonsense sometimes.

Ok, so, there is a tub of Jelly Bellies (would it be Bellys or Bellies? Paging the grammar police) in our lunch room. The tub has 49 flavors of jelly beans and a big spoon inviting you to come try each one. I filled up a Dixie cup and took them to my desk. I then proceeded to try them one at a time and guess the flavor. So far I've tried kiwi, kiwi strawberry, sour kiwi, kiwi pineapple and buttered popcorn. Obviously I suck at this game because they all taste like kiwi. And here's something to consider, I don't even like jelly beans. They all taste like gummy sugar once you eat through the top layer. Then they stick to your teeth. Oh, and it's pointless to guess the flavor by smelling them. They don't smell like anything. Is it possible that I'm so bored I've resorted to mindless jelly bean eating games? I'll be right back, I'm going to try and find a life.