put the gum down and no one gets hurt

Dear Cubicle Neighbor,

What new information can I tell you about cubicles that hasn't already been said? Cubicles are small, yes, obviously. Cubicles are drab, boring, lifeless caves of despair; this much we know. Our cubicles rival any teeny working spaces I've ever seen, on TV or otherwise, with their 12 foot gray padded walls and "privacy doors" that make the "entrance" a mere crack through which we squeeze. However, as awful as most cubicles may be, there is one thing most offices don't have that I get the displeasure of experiencing every day. Cubicle Neighbor, I speak of your gum chewing.

Every time I hear you open your desk drawer I get a shiver if disgust from head to toe, top to bottom, my body retracts in the certain misery that will soon greet me. I hear you unwrapping your gum and I get the urge to bolt, to "shut this bitch down" as my good friend Kristi often says. As soon as the gum enters your mouth I cringe and cover my ears. For the next 45 minutes I am forced to suffer through your awful, smacking, wet, chewing gum noises. Forgive the cliche; your gum is nails and your teeth, well, they're the chalkboard Cubicle Neighbor.

I really, really wish you could just shut your damn trap and chew your gum as if you were a normal person. I really wish my back didn't face the "entrance" of my cubicle so I could wear headphones and not have to worry about people sneaking up on me and catching me using the Internet while I'm supposed to be working. I really wish there was a gum ban in our office, except for me, because I like chewing gum after lunch.

Please, please Cubicle Neighbor, be mindful of the exasperating noises that escape your mouth. We are not 2, but 6 people sharing a very small space. What used to be a storage closet is now our work area; I hope you can appreciate how each little smacking noise affects us all.

Thank you for your time in considering my feelings. I hope you will take my words to heart and discontinue all use of gum.

Sincerely,
Me

PS - Please cover your mouth when you cough or sneeze, please stop clearing your throat every 2 minutes and the x in faux suede is silent. thanks.