Not Dead Yet

One of my most favorite people in the world sent this:

Shall I just take your blog off my favourites list and get back the 0.7 seconds per day that it takes me to check it and realise there is no new post?! Put me out of my misery!

Don't take me off your favourites or your Google Reader (or your favorites for my American readership). 

I am drafting a plan. Picture me pressing my fingers together and grinning like Smithers except without the wrinkles and bald head. 

Check back after the holidays. Don't give up on me. 

We interrupt the hiatus to bring you the most random and hilarious thing you'll see today:
http://www.trueamericandognews.blogspot.com/

We now return to our regularly scheduled absence.

On the Clock

I'm supposed to be working but everybody is at the FFANY show this week and there's not much going on. I'll get back to work in a jiffy. Did you hear that Internet Overlord? I'll get back to it asap, just let me have this time to clear my mind.

A coworker and I were discussing the possibility of successfully dialing 911 in a dream. I believe that it's not possible simply because it has never happened to me. Here's a list of what happens in my dreams when an emergency elicits a 911 call:
- the operator answers, asks me if it's a true emergency and then puts me on hold regardless of my answer
- the numbers on the keys jump around and dodge my finger as I try to dial
- I get a busy signal
- the operator speaks complete nonsense as if I dialed the wrong number and he or she thinks I am calling to order takeout or clothes from a catalog

Does this happen to you or are my coworker and I completely insane?

I like this blog but I caught on to it late and now I want to know what happened to Sister Wolf's son. Usually if I need a back story I can just read the comments but she turned comments off on this post. Do you ever read a blog and feel like you're missing something but don't really have the time to go back and read the entire archives?

I will finish my posts about Australia soon, promise. I'll do it before my birthday. Like how I slipped that in to remind you my birthday is coming up?

That's it. Back to work...

Your Vote is Requested

20 years ago if you wanted someone to vote for your cute dog, your friend's 8th grade math class or your husband's former employer's kids' elementary school you would have to write a letter and take the time to stamp and mail it. Or even worse, you'd have to pick up the phone and ask your peeps to vote for your cause. And let's not even talk about the actual voting process. I just don't know how they did it.
With the advanced age of enlightenment and what was once called the Information Super Highway (now just called the internet) all you have to do is click.

Please oblige:

Vote for Lydsy and her adorable dog Waldo so she can recoup the money she spent to have her underthings removed from his intestines. Do it here.  Click on W, find Waldo and give him 10 out of 10 for being the cutest dog in LA.

Vote for my friend Betsy's husband's friend and former boss as he tries to provide a new playground for his kids and their classmates at Meeker Elementary in Puyallup. Click here to do so.

Vote for an 8th grade math class from my hometown Tulsa, OK (holla) to go to the opening of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando. Your vote is requested on behalf of the reigning queen of cupcakes in Seattle otherwise known as Jamie Of All Trades. Just point your mouse right here.

Many thanks to Al Gore for inventing the internet and allowing us to excersice our civic duty as Americans and vote for things.

The Obsession Continues

I know you are dying to hear about the rest of our trip to Australia but I need you to focus on what I have to say right now. This is very important.

There is a new chocolate bar with sea salt in it. That's right in it, not just sprinkled on top. The sea salt is mixed in with the amazing dark chocolate to create the offical candy bar of my top desk drawer. My endorsement is a gold mine, I'm sure.

I scored one of these delicious treats at my friend Sarah's bridal shower a couple weeks ago and I have a little piece every day after lunch. I think you should try it.

If there's ever an occasion where you need to buy me something, let's say my 30th birthday on July 1st, Christmas 2010 or Chocolate Lovers Day which happens to be today, you can just give me one of these chocolate bars and I will be yours forever.

Paging Dr. Phil

Do you ever look at the calendar and suddenly panic that you haven't paid any of your bills on time? This happens to me all the time and it's super weird, especially since I actually do pay my bills on time. With the recent increase of online bill pay options I think that I forget what I've paid, since it's all just clicking; like the regular clicking I do on dlisted or facebook or msn. The clicking becomes indiscernible and I simply can't remember what I clicked on when and what information a certain click sent into the universe on my behalf.

I constantly dream that I haven't shown up to work in weeks or that I have a big final coming up but I stopped going to class ages ago.

Am I trying to tell myself something? Do I need to be more responsible or is my subconscious telling me to wake up and realize that everything is fine?

Adelaide & Clare Valley 2/11-2/14

We left Sydney early on Thursday morning and flew to Adelaide, my dear friend Lill's hometown. I have to make a special mention of the Virgin Blue gate attendants that kept themselves entertained by paging people like Mr. Giant Wang and then trying to hide their giggles. This kind of thing would never fly at a US airport. Pun intended.
Lill lives in Melbourne now but her parents Geoff and Donna are there still. Lill flew to Adelaide the day before we arrived and I was so excited to see the three of them again. They picked us up at the airport (anyone can go to the gate in domestic Australian airports, old school) and we headed out to a local wine region, Clare Valley. Geoff and Donna have a house in the Clare Valley complete with vineyards.

Behold:

This is not the greatest shot of the house but you get the idea. It's a really comfortable modern house set amongst rolling hills and vineyards. Simple perfection.
We spent two days tasting wines at local cellar doors (aka tasting rooms) and enjoying the McKinnon's hospitality and company. They were amazing hosts.

Some of the wineries we visited:

Knappstein winery and brewery had great wine and beer, what else could you ask for?

This is the view from Paulette's winery; not too shabby.

Somebody teach me HTML because this captioning pictures thing is not working for me. Trying to make this post pretty is futile. Bear with me here...

One of the highlights of this leg of our journey was that we got to see kangaroos in the wild. There was a big red one hopping through the fields of Clare Valley while we were driving and another two grazing on the McKinnon's property. For Australians this is no big deal but for me and Dan it was pretty sweet.

Another highlight of this trip was meeting Mr. Ned McKinnon, the cutest dog in Australia.

Ned waiting patiently outside Paulette's.

Dogs love Dan and Ned was no exception. When we got in the car Ned hopped up on a box of wine (a box containing wine bottles, not boxed wine, just had to make that clear) and snuggled up to Dan, occasionally licking Dan's ear or resting his head on Dan's shoulder. It was really cute.

Ned and Dan, friends forever.

Next post: Adelaide; containing stories of places called Star of Greece, Mt. Lofty and The Garden of Unearthly Delights, should be a good one...

The Great Sandal Search of 2010

My plan was for the next post to be about Adelaide and the Clare Valley leg of our trip. This is where the trip really got good with wine tasting, great friends and Ned, the cutest dog in Australia. First though, I have to tell you about my frustrations finding a frikin' sandal in a frikin' size 4.

Have you ever wanted to see the world's ugliest collection of shoes (outside of Imelda Marcos' closet)? Yes? Good. Go to any shoe website (Zappos, Piperlime, Endless, Nordstrom) and narrow your search to size 4. Done. You will instantly see the ugliest shoes China has to offer. Seriously, try it.

I can't find a simple, flat, non flip-flop sandal in my size anywhere. I might have to fly to Hong Kong where more people have small feet. Ugh! Double ugh!

The worst part about the whole thing is that I work for a shoe company and I am surrounded by cute sandals that don't come in my size. Triple ugh!

Paying the Stupid Tax

Sometimes when somebody gets him or herself involved in a big expensive mess Dan and I are very critical and say things like, "they're paying the stupid tax" or, "stupid is expensive sometimes." It's pretty mean and judgmental. I have to admit I am paying the stupid tax this week. I went on and on in this post about the Beater Blade, the revolutionary device that was going to solve all my KitchenAid bowl sraping problems. The problem is, I didn't realize that it doesn't fit into an industrial size KitchenAid; like the one my MIL bought me for a wedding shower gift. Oops.
If you're lookng to benefit from my stupidity please leave a comment and we can work out some kind of deal for my Beater Blade. Send me your best offer. I'm a motivated seller.

Sydney 2/8-2/11

I guess I should blog about our trip. I've been putting it off for a long time, trying to figure out how to tell you about it without boring you to death or writing really long posts that you won't read. So, here's a quick list of what happened on our first tour of Sydney and some pics too.

1. Got in super early Monday morning, was officially welcomed to Australia by a bird crapping on my hand, sweet.
2. Walked in the rain to Circular Quay (pronounced "key") and saw the Sydney Opera House for the first time, slightly teared up, regained control of emotions and gawked for a bit. Felt immense happiness.
3. Walked through Royal Botanical Gardens, saw strange birds and beautiful trees.
4. Watched the Super Bowl at a bar by the aquaruim.
5. Marveled at formal dress of Sydney's working people.
6. Ate stupidly expensive fish and chips.
7. Went to Wildlife World and Sydney Aquaruim, saw koalas and kangaroos. Chanted "kangaroo power" in my head a few times in honor of LW. Felt silly for doing so.
8. Took a tour of the Blue Mountains and went to a beautiful place called Scenic World. Took a ride down the world's steepest railway.
9. Listened to 6 hours of tour bus driver (aka Rainman) repeat himself.
11.  Saw Sydney's Olympic Stadium.
12. Took a hop-on hop-off bus tour of Sydney and walked from Bondi Beach to Bronte Beach.
13. Ran into a couple we know Damon and Molly from Seattle at breakfast in our hotel. Small world, indeed.

First morning in Sydney, we were tired

Sydney Harbour Bridge

Koala sleeping at Wildlife World

The Icebergs club at Bondi Beach

Walking from Bondi to Bronte along the cliffs

The view of Darling Harbour from our hotel room

Olympic Stadium

Lunch at Doyle's a famous seafood restaraunt on Watson's Bay, a stop on our bus tour. Total yum and not a bad view either.

Sydney was a dream. There was so much to see; I was glad we would be there 2 more days at the end of the trip. Our next stop was Adelaide. In my next post I'll tell you how the McKinnon's gave us the first class VIP treatment with wine tastings and so many delicious meals and the very best of all, just spending time with us. It was fabulous, stay tuned.

Rain, Snow, Sleet, Hail and... Vodka?

It's almost impossible to get fired from the Postal Service. I know this because the postman at my work was arrested for passing out drunk in his truck in front of my office a couple years ago. The arresting officer told my coworker that his employer had sent him to rehab already, maybe more than once. Not long after he showed up on his old route again. I'm all for second chances but come on, put him behind a desk somewhere. Christ.

There was a news story today that the Post Office is considering cutting Saturday delivery. They are deeply in debt but not considering layoffs at this time.

I don't appreciate the rising cost of stamps if I know some of my money may go toward rehab for a repeat offender and potential child killer (a postal truck can be a deadly weapon). I think I'll start paying some more of my bills online.

Curbside Pickup Circling Be Damned!

My immediate family has been all over the place lately. Between the 7 of us, we've taken 22 flights (approximate figure) in the past 2 months. Crazy.
My dad told me about flightaware.com today and the curbside pickup cirlcling hater in me rejoiced. You can now accurately track flights and see their actual routes and see how many times that specific flight has actually landed on time in the past week. I put actual in italics because last night, nay, this morning, very early in the morning I did a few laps around Sea Tac waiting for Dan's flight to get in because no, Delta, his flight did not really land at 12:10 like your website said. It landed at 12:58 which is quite a difference when you're tired and waiting for your husband and anticipating the alarm clock to wake you at 5am for work. Next time you know exactly when your beloved/family member/friend/coworker arrives remember me and whisper a tiny thank you into the heavens.

Need a Read?

I will post about our trip to Australia soon but I want to make sure you know about this incredible book. "The Lost City of Z: A Tale of Deadly Obsession in the Amazon" by David Grann is so good, I think you should read it right now. I was captivated by Grann's recounting of the story of Percy Fawcett, a fearless explorer of the Amazon. You know when you are reading a great book and you think about it all the time, like when you're climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge or eating awesome Thai food in Melbourne? This is that book. Obtain a copy immediately!

Photo Upload 101

Is there a class for dummies that don't know how to upload photos? I feel seriously retarded right now; I can't figure out how to upload multiple pictures into Picassa at one time. Oh, what's that you say? Just click the control key and select your pictures? Wrong, that doesn't work. Also, the pictures I upload into iPhoto are huge, 3MB on average. Anyone know how to make the file size smaller so they don' take up so much space? Come on professor, I need you.
I'm trying to show you more of this:

and this:

Help!

There's No Place Like Oz!

We are back from our whirlwind tour of Australia. I will be suffering from jet lag tomorrow considering it's 11:30 and I'm still awake. I rarely stay up past 10. I'm an 80 year old trapped in a 29 year old's body.
Anyway, Oz was completely amazing. We saw a ton of beaches, climbed the Sydney Harbour Bridge, tasted many delicious wines and even managed to smuggle 6 bottles back without breaking a single one. Success!
I'm going to try and sleep now, pictures to follow tomorrow.

I'm Going to Australia Tomorrow!

So no blogging for awhile. See you in a couple weeks. 

You Want This Dog!

Do you hate to sleep and love the sound of barking? Yes? I have a deal for you.  For the bargain price of free you can take home a 5 1/2 year old Miniature Schnauzer with unproven but obvious traces of Poodle (aka Schnoodle). Throw out your heating pad, this dog will sleep on top of you all night. Stop worrying about how to spend all that money in your bank account. This furry little friend requires expensive grain-free kibble and costly enzyme powder not once, but twice a day. Still have some cash left? Great! You can spend it on vet fees and grooming. Do you hate sitting still? Looking to cure your RLS? Perfect! You can walk this naughty thing 3 times a day while she takes her sweet time taking a poo; one that may or may not be solid, which may or may not cause you to worry about her disease acting up, which may or may not require a trip to the vet. Do you hate your neighbors? Looking for a way to annoy and alienate them? The answer couldn't be clearer. This dog will solve all your problems. Call or email today. This offer is only available for a limited time.

Just Wondering What You Think

I read this article just a minute ago. My instant reaction was to say, uh huh, yeah, sure, riiiight. I'm sure you're free of your gay impulses. Congratulations. Side note: I read a suggestion somewhere that there should be a special font for sarcasm. I completely agree. Anyway, I do not personally think that Ted Haggard is cured of his gay urges. Whether or not he chooses to use his theraputic experience in order to avoid acting on said urges is a different matter entirely. I'm not here to judge. That's not what this post is about.
What this article got me thinking is what exactly did you mean when you said your vows at the altar? For Mrs. Haggard her vows meant that she would stick by her husband despite a meth addiction and tryst with a male prostitute. Is that what we all vowed? Does, "till death do us part" include homosexual promiscuity, drug use, infidelity or dishonesty? Do you think each person's "I do" is a different set of "I won'ts?" Where would you draw the line? Do you think the same is true of your spouse? Did you ever talk to your spouse about this before you married him or her? I'm curious what you guys think of this. Discuss.

So, Like, You Know

Dan and I were watching The Real Housewives of Orange County this weekend and there was a scene where Lynne's daughters "talked" to each other. Nothing was actually said. It was just a jumble of cringe inducing sos, likes and you knows softly spoken with inflection at the end of each word as if a question was being asked. So? Like? You know? I told Dan if we have a daughter and she talks like that we're sending her to speech therapy. He agreed and added that he would use a shock collar in case the therapy didn't take. So, like, you know, what bad habit do you hope your children avoid?

A Post About Height

I now own snowshoes and a headlamp but that's not what this post is about.
I saw a coworker/friend in the hall last week and she was wearing the cutest freaking outfit and cute-as boots. Revision: she was rocking cute-as boots and I couldn't help but appreciate how unapologetically tall she is. She's not freakishly tall, just very tall, very I-don't-give-a-damn-and-I'm-wearing-these-big-boots-today-so-there tall. And I thought that I'm the same way except the other direction. I am unapologetically short, or at least I hope so. I stopped growing in the sixth grade and had to make the decision very early on to not care. Sure, I blended in with the grade school field trips that walked the campus up in Bellingham. Yes, sometimes I have to ask strangers to get stuff off store shelves for me. Of course, there's enough room behind my driver's seat for Andre the Giant and a few of his friends. What's the point in lamenting? Am I going to invest in big shoes, wear them every day and give myself bunyons and hammer toes? Hell no! Am I going to save up for a painful and expensive bone stretching surgery? Nope. Do I care that I'm 2 inches away from legally requiring a booster seat in a car in the state of Washington? Yes, actually, that one is kind of disturbing.
I saw this special on 20/20 once where parents were spending tens of thousands of dollars to give their kids HGH (that's human growth hormone in case you aren't in the majors) in the hopes that they would not be, gasp, short. There wasn't any proof that this would work but the parents thought it was worth it so their kids could grow tall and be respected in society. What a bunch of crap! You know what I call that, besides crap? Hooey, shenanigans, absurdity, vanity, hogwash, shit, stupidity, super lame and being a re-taard (as in "The Hangover"). What's so bad about being short, other than being mistaken for a fourth grader and not being able to reach the 2 liter of Coke? Nothing! Buck up and deal with it you ninnies. Geez.
Wow, I'm glad I got that off my chest, it's a weight off these shoulders. Down here, yeah, these shoulders.

Reusies

If you're anything like me you have this unfortunate situation happening:

This is the stockpile of sandwich bags I pulled out of a drawer in my desk. I always bring cereal or chips to snack on at work and I feel so bad throwing away the plastic bags. They are perfectly good with maybe just a few crumbs in the bottom. I always forget they're there and don't take them home so they pile up. Annoying.
At my friend Jenn's baby shower this weekend a eco-concious friend gave her a couple of these:

Introducing Reusies, reusable food bags. So smart! You can order them here.  There are two sizes to choose from and you can wash them by hand, in the washing machine or even the dishwasher. Things like this make me think, "why didn't I think of that?" Next time I have a problem I'm going to seriously consider how I can solve it and make money at the same time. Add that to the list of my new year's resolutions.

Books

Hello, my name is Mariana and I'm a book hoarder. I love to read and I have books all over my condo. Most of them are on a shelf in my guest room but there are also a few stacks near the window, on the computer table and there are two books currently taking up room on my nightstand. I love the way they look on the shelf, haphazardly arranged in the corner. "The Complete Works of Oscar Wilde" is huge, its red fabric cover faded and fraying. I inherited it from Abuelo; it sits horizontally and anchors the bottom shelf. My Harry Potter collection neatly lines the third shelf starting at chambers and ending with horcruxes. "The Heath Anthology of American Literature Volume II" raggedly sits with a few post-its sticking out and dog-eared pages creating gaps. I love that one so much, it's from an American lit class I took sophomore year when I was captivated by ee cummings, forevermore my favorite poet. There is something so fantastic about seeing all my books together. I love them.
The book hoarder in me weeped on Christmas when Dan gave me an Amazon Kindle. It was a very welcome gift, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I'm having trouble giving up real books. I've only downloaded one book on my Kindle and it's kind of weird to click a button to "turn" the page. I also find it strange to not be able to tell how much you have left to go. Usually I'll mark a stopping point which is most often the end of the chapter. With the Kindle you really can't tell where the chapter ends unless you click through the pages one by one to find out. I'm excited to take my Kindle to Australia (less than a month!) because it will take up so much less space in my bag. I figure if I really love a book I can always go buy the real thing and wedge it in between "The Prophet" and "She's Come Undone" but we'll see. I think this is what Dan was trying to avoid by buying me a Kindle:

I wouldn't mind!

Twenty Ten

Twenty ten has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Two thousand ten just takes way too long to say. We don't have time for that. The people of twenty ten are busy.
I was ceremoniously throwing away my two thousand and nine (that took so long to write) calendar and I found the greatest thing. The back pages were blank, and perforated. After tearing them apart I noticed I had a stack of the perfect size paper for lists. Happiness! I love writing lists. Naturally I spent a good half hour writing lists in my cubicle. As much as I complain about my cubicle I do take advantage of the high walls and do what I want, within reason, I am a loyal and hardworking employee after all. I have a Tiffany necklace to prove it. I digress. There is pure joy in list writing. Behold:

It's hard to tell from the picture but the sheets are long rectangles. There are 3 of them here detailing a variety of tasks I will complete in the next few weeks. There is lots to blog about, lots to do, many healthy foods to buy at the store, many many lists to write. Twenty ten is going to be a productive year. What's on your list?